Nikolai's Practice Journal

classic Classic list List threaded Threaded
137 messages Options
1234 ... 7
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Nikolai's Practice Journal

Nikolai
Administrator
Seeing as I already have a blog, I will start posting stuff here too so it can be commented on: Here is what I had to report recently.



I am the most relaxed I have been ever. This just got easier. Now stay soft, stay supple, stay interested, have fun. It's all just causes and conditions, man.  :-)

Me: Something seems to be reoccurring as I try to  maintain attentiveness to sensuousness and that is whether this process/path to AF, is about "seeing" something in the right way, or more so about cultivating the right conditions (just being attentive to sensuousness) long enough for the brain to flip a switch (AF) because when the mind leans to the "seeing" something in the right way, I wonder, what am I not seeing and when it leans to the other way, I wonder if all it takes is just doing this continuously non-stop

AFer: it entails a commitment to live like this for as long as now lasts . its a lifestyle, not a means to an end, living like this is it.

Me: What do you mean?

AFer: living like this is the answer already, suppose no one had told you that af exists.

Me: oh man, I just saw what I'm doing.....so goal oriented...addictive personality shining through. If no-one told me AF existed, I'd just be cultivating the modes that make life happier and I'd be happier.

This realization latter on in the day led to a breakthrough which I described to my good friend Owen.

Me: I realized "I" am aiming for a goal, and that is subtly inhibiting the process of freedom. I saw that I was holding onto a belief, a stream of thought: "I had to work to get AF!"

No doubt, there is some "work" involved but as you know it's a tricky business. So, I looked at the belief. The thought that came up, came up with agitation too and I looked at the sensations of agitation in the chest and the thoughts of goal oriented-ness and realized that they were just beliefs and belief is "me". I saw that there is a belief that those sensations are unpleasant. I saw that there was a belief that "I" was agitated and "I" had the desire to not be agitated.

Then everything that came up, relationship stuff, practice stuff, all of it was seen to be supported by a belief, and one by one beliefs came up left right and centre, virtually everything I think about--> based on an unquestioned belief.  

And belief is what stands in the way of actuality! Plop!....a magnificent entrance to a PCE. Up comes another belief. I look at it  and see it is what seems to hold everything else in place. "I" believe that "I" exist via  a flow of becoming, via  a sense of "being"--> "I" believe that the flow of sensations at the chest are "unpleasant" and worthy of causing tension in this mind/body organism--> "I" believe that the "unpleasant" sensations must be waited out with equanimity due to them being "unpleasant"--> and on and on. Belief after belief, identity after identity, all entangled up together to support the flow of becoming. Look at the belief that those sensations are worthy of their "unpleasant" for a feeling "me" status......no, they aren't!....plop!.... magnificent entrance to PCE

"These sensations are negative" is a belief...looking at it like it from the angle of belief and it all evaporates. Everything that I believe somehow for better or for worse conditions the current experience of the flow of sankhara. So analyzing every belief that comes up cuts the sequence that leads to sankhara forming. What remains without any belief conditioning the flow of sankhara? Actuality! So many subtle beliefs of how the current moment need play out, conditioning the flow of becoming.  

Owen: the end of notions

Me: actuality is not about belief. Belief is the thicket of views and views are 'me" and "me" always stands in the way of actuality. Goal oriented-ness is all about belief. Results do occur but actuality does not in the moment.  Actuality occurs when beliefs drop away.

Owen: something I read a while back in one of thich nah han's books "Right View is No View".

Me: so, Ive just blown the door wide open and seen all the blocks. Whatever stands in the way of actuality is being held stuck in place by a belief. So subtle and tricky this mind. Suffering is a belief. It occurs because there is a belief that suffering occurs. No belief there to condition suffering, no suffering!

Owen: that's lovely....god, it all comes back to zen

Me: if you question all beliefs, including the one which is behind why you aren't free from suffering right now in this very moment, perhaps you will be. Beliefs are thought patterns that loop back endlessly, locking the mind on a route that for good or bad keeps actuality at bay.  

They are like the cords that tie us down. They foster the sense of being and strengthen it's compounding. Seeing the illogic nature of each belief, seems to make it disperse like clouds in the wind  

As I was doing this on the bus, just watching every feeling every thought, they were all based on some belief or other. Why is PCE mode not occuring? Because PCE mode can't occur at the moment as  "I" am agitated. Who is agitated???? Look closer! And there is the belief that there is a feeling "me" that is  agitated....but the further back I go, the actual sensations that seem to be the trigger of agitation are "believed" to be "unpleasant".

Another frickn belief!!!!...that there is agitation there, that it is influencing being, that it is a hindrance, that it causes suffering---> all based on belief; a locked in loop of ignorant belief....and as I watched, each belief kind of evaporated...made my brain go blank ...almost like momentary fruitions...and plop! PCE...then more beliefs, and then evaporating and then plop! PCE....and now..

Owen: wow

Me: it seems it is key. "I" am my beliefs. What stands in the way of actuality? "Me" !

Owen: ok, I got to play with that. Thanks man.
WOOOOOOT!
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Nikolai's Practice Journal

Nikolai
Administrator
Today, i have had a starbucks coffee day. I'm in my second starbucks for the day, waiting for a class that probably will have all students absent (there is a soccer game on tonight, Chile Vs Peru).

I didn't sleep much last night so have battled a bit of the old sleepy sankhara. i must admit it's been ages since I dealt with this beast. Maybe it's the comfy chairs in Starbucks. The coffee didn't work.

I'm seeing that beliefs can be sticky. I see them go poof! but they seem  to make their way back in unnoticed, until I realize the belief is refereeing again. But it seems easier now that belief has become an obvious player in samsara.

My combo now is to address the beliefs that are arising and see their silly ilogic nature, keep my attention on the sweet spot when "I" get in the way, and move towards the state of naivete and sincerity. These are key. "I" am at my best when these two flow from the belt. Beliefs and the sweet spot combined with actualising jhanas, in particular the 5th one. I walk the street of Santiago and watch everyone run about and wonder if i am the only one actualising the 5th jhana, eyes open and seeing the blocks drops away.

I'm taking on board now the idea that this is a lifestyle. The goal oriented-ness has dropped to the background. Such a dangerous habit. It brought me far, yet it seems to have become a hinderance. Now it's all about just being as happy and harmless as can be. "I" am preparing for the final journey. Gonna let the flow peter out by itself. For now, I'm enjoying said flow.

My keyboard is all starbucks muffin oily and shines so clear and pristinely.  :-)


WOOOOOOT!
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Nikolai's Practice Journal

Clayton
Administrator
Thanks Nick for that first post. That conversation was a paradigm shifter for me. Shifting out of goal based practice is so necessary for me--likely for many of us.
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Nikolai's Practice Journal

RevElev
Completely agree with Clayton. The idea of it being a lifestyle seems so much more relaxed and stress free. I've really been trying to grind this stuff out, and been suffering as a result. I reached a point where I just gave up(my head was going to explode), and everything has gotten better as a result.
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Nikolai's Practice Journal

Nikolai
Administrator
This post was updated on .
Today, it was obvious that my approach to practice has shifted. Since taking on board the notion that practice need be more a lifestyle than goal orientated, there has been a move to a more relaxed flow to what I am doing. And all I am doing is reminding myself to be attentive to the sensuousness. 24/7. There is no room for anything else. And no need for anything else.

Today, I caught the wrong bus to work. It took me 30 minutes away from my destination, right smack bang in a dangerous neighbourhood of outer santiago. There was a slight panic that arose with the idea that I was going to be late for the lesson I had to teach and also that I was in unknown territory where crime is rampant. But it got "eaten" up with all the rest of sensuousness. There was a subtle difference to how i would have reacted before. It was like part of me, having put down the goal orientatedness, was now adapting the situation to the idea of lifestyle. There was no need to "escape" the situation. There was no "goal" to escape. I knew that I might have to cancel the class, but that was just the situation. No urge at all to "make it right". It was what it was. This practice is changing/has changed me.

Ended up arriving 15 minutes late with 15 students waiting for me and had a great class with the students complimenting me at the end. No-one complained. Lifestyle is key! Oh, sensuousness, how I love thee!

;-)
WOOOOOOT!
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Nikolai's Practice Journal

Nikolai
Administrator
Thought I'd post a short sutta which relates very well to the whole goal orientated-ness versus lifestyle approach I have now taken on with all my practices:


Ogha-tarana Sutta: Crossing over the Flood
translated from the Pali by Thanissaro Bhikkhu © 1998–2011

I have heard that on one occasion the Blessed One was staying near Savatthi in Jeta's Grove, Anathapindika's monastery. Then a certain devata, in the far extreme of the night, her extreme radiance lighting up the entirety of Jeta's Grove, went to the Blessed One. On arrival, having bowed down to him, she stood to one side. As she was standing there, she said to him, "Tell me, dear sir, how you crossed over the flood."

"I crossed over the flood without pushing forward, without staying in place."

"But how, dear sir, did you cross over the flood without pushing forward, without staying in place?"

"When I pushed forward, I was whirled about. When I stayed in place, I sank. And so I crossed over the flood without pushing forward, without staying in place."


[The devata:]
At long last I see
a brahman, totally unbound,
who without pushing forward,
without staying in place,
has crossed     over
the entanglements
of the world.

That is what the devata said. The Teacher approved. Realizing that "The Teacher has approved of me," she bowed down to him, circumambulated him — keeping him to her right — and then vanished right there.
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/sn/sn01/sn01.001.than.html

WOOOOOOT!
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Nikolai's Practice Journal

Nikolai
Administrator
§ 69. "And how is the awareness-release through good will developed, what is its destiny, what is its excellence, its reward, & its consummation?

"There is the case where a monk develops mindfulness as a factor for awakening accompanied by good will, dependent on seclusion... dispassion... cessation, resulting in letting go. He develops analysis of qualities... persistence... rapture... serenity... concentration... equanimity as a factor for awakening accompanied by good will, dependent on seclusion... dispassion... cessation, resulting in letting go. If he wants, he remains percipient of loathsomeness in the presence of what is not loathsome. If he wants, he remains percipient of unloathsomeness in the presence of what is loathsome. If he wants, he remains percipient of loathsomeness in the presence of what is not loathsome & what is. If he wants, he remains percipient of unloathsomeness in the presence of what is loathsome & what is not. If he wants — in the presence of what is loathsome & what is not — cutting himself off from both, he remains equanimous, alert, & mindful. Or he may enter & remain in the beautiful liberation. I tell you, monks, the awareness-release through good will has the beautiful as its excellence — in the case of one who has penetrated to no higher release.

"And how is the awareness-release through compassion developed, what is its destiny, what is its excellence, its reward, & its consummation?

"There is the case where a monk develops mindfulness as a factor for awakening accompanied by compassion... etc... If he wants — in the presence of what is loathsome & what is not — cutting himself off from both, he remains equanimous, alert, & mindful. Or, with the complete transcending of perceptions of [physical] form, with the disappearance of perceptions of resistance, and not heeding perceptions of diversity, [perceiving,] 'Infinite space,' he enters & remains in the dimension of the infinitude of space. I tell you, monks, the awareness-release through compassion has the dimension of the infinitude of space as its excellence — in the case of one who has penetrated to no higher release.

"And how is the awareness-release through appreciation developed, what is its destiny, what is its excellence, its reward, & its consummation?

"There is the case where a monk develops mindfulness as a factor for awakening accompanied by appreciation... etc... If he wants — in the presence of what is loathsome & what is not — cutting himself off from both, he remains equanimous, alert, & mindful. Or, with the complete transcending of the dimension of infinitude of space, thinking 'Infinite consciousness,' he enters & remains in the dimension of the infinitude of consciousness. I tell you, monks, the awareness-release through appreciation has the dimension of the infinitude of consciousness as its excellence — in the case of one who has penetrated to no higher release.

"And how is the awareness-release through equanimity developed, what is its destiny, what is its excellence, its reward, & its consummation?

"There is the case where a monk develops mindfulness as a factor for awakening accompanied by equanimity... etc... If he wants — in the presence of what is loathsome & what is not — cutting himself off from both, he remains equanimous, alert, & mindful. Or, with the complete transcending of the dimension of infinitude of consciousness, thinking 'There is nothing,' he enters & remains in the dimension of nothingness. I tell you, monks, the awareness-release through equanimity has the dimension of nothingness as its excellence — in the case of one who has penetrated to no higher release."

— SN 46.54
WOOOOOOT!
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Nikolai's Practice Journal

Nikolai
Administrator
I am starting to sense a growing dispassion for many of the things I do these days. They seem only to lead to reinforcing the flow of becoming, and the more I look at that flow, the more dispassion for it grows. This will explain any prolonged future absences on the net, and a reduction of posting habits. I'm over arguing, taking sides, trying to convince, trying to convince myself, trying to validate..etc. There comes a time when you just have to drop the binds that keep things in place, if all of it is to drop away for good.

I resign myself to solitude and refocused attention to 24/7 sensuousness. Enough with the distractions already!
WOOOOOOT!
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Nikolai's Practice Journal

Clayton
Administrator
Nice!
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Nikolai's Practice Journal

Nikolai
Administrator
I just sat this morning. Just talked with Owen. Here is what i said:


ME: but the body is experiencing some flow of vibrations
yet, I cant for the life of me, in the arupa jhanas, find the being aspect anymore
it vanished and it reminds me of 4th path.

Owen: oooo

ME: in that, there was doubt, but it isn't the same doubt....the thoughts are of curiosity and there is the intention to find the being aspect which I've been doing for while now
....habit......but it can't be found

Owen: no affect?

ME: I just did this 30 minutes ago. I saw a clear and obvious release occur while in the 7th jhana. No affect i can see, no. In the 7th jhana, I was doing something at a much more subtler level that i wasn't doing before and for a prolonged sit not sure, close to an hour, maybe it was a PCE but it feels different. It seems different. There is no voice on the sidelines, there is a stillness to it that isnt there in the PCEs I've had before......we'll see.

Owen: neato

ME: I've had shifts before, so it might fade.

Owen: let me know how it shakes out

ME: something that I realised

Owen: yeah?

ME: the arupa aspects, the actual ones, are present all the time, all of them, they are just plagued and covered up by the "being" aspect

Owen: yeah, sounds right.

ME: and i saw that there was the subtlest "me" ness that was attaching to each aspect. When i really magnified the focus on it, I finally was able to see each aspect of the arupas, without any sense of "me" ness arising to attach to it and I did that in each up to the 7th and in the 7th, constantly doing this and seeing the sense of "being" arise again and attach to the nothingness.

Owen:what is being?

ME: and then seeing the sense of nothingness without a sense of me-ness...then for about several minutes it was without a me-ness attached. Being = seems to be a sense of "me" ness but it seemed more obvious as a sense of "location" in the world, a sense of location seemed to be it's most obvious characteristic at the moment I cannot for the life of me locate any sense of location in the field of experience.

Owen: oh shit, you are right.

ME: I am not sure if this is how it is....but it's the best way I can explain it. For example in the 5th, there is that sense of space and that sense of location seems to be spliced with it but as i looked harder at the sense of location, i saw it was apart from that sense of space that the sense of space was not "me" and that sense of location would drop away momentarily to reveal the real deal actual aspect of the 5th

The same for the 6th. The 6th has this perception of perception sense to it which again has the sense of location attached, or spliced in it

Owen: location?

ME: separating the two aspects, the location (sense of being) and the actual aspects makes the location/being aspect drop away momentarily.

In the 7th the actual aspect is the sense of nothingness without that sense of location (being within nothingness). There is now no sense of being the nothingness but there is just nothingness which has always been part of the structure of mind, same with space, and the sense of perceiving perception (6th). The 8th also can occur without a sense of location or thing which is neither perceiving nor not perceiving. Does it make sense ?

As i type, the hands are doing their own thing and the vibrations have subsided in the chest. There is no-one here.

We'll see were this leads.
WOOOOOOT!
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Nikolai's Practice Journal

Nikolai
Administrator
This post was updated on .
The result talked of in the last post has stuck so far. There is no affect arising of any form. I tried generating anger and it's like someone took out the anger chip and I have no access to that possibility. I don't know how to generate any affect. It's quite trippy when you think about it. The stillness that is present everywhere makes time non-existent. I spent 5 hours lying in bed this morning without any sense of time. I have to keep looking at my watch as I have another class to teach in an hour or so. Starbucks is quite a nice place to sit and appreciate the big comfy chairs when time is non-existent and stillness is my movie theatre.

Some odd things have occurred, yet they are not really important. It seems like the ability to flow as affect has been cut, yet habitual tendencies to move the body in a certain way, scratch an itch, have a thought of eating something still arises yet, no affect is attached to such actions. I washed a hell of a lot fo dishes yesterday, usually an agitating chore. But there was a wonder to it, the feel of the hot soapy water. In one moment my mouth let out an automatic scream as the boiling hot water touched the back of my hand. The body seemed to act by itself, an inbuilt defense mechanism. But no affect. I laughed at my wife as she showed me her new dance moves, yet no affect, just automatic wonderous laughter. Yet there is no-one home. And affect seems to not be necessary to live the life I wanted.

An oh!!!!! The affectless compassion that is inherent in the stillness. I was on a bus to work last night, and I thought, what would it look like generating metta and compassion to my fellow passengers. There was no affect arising as I started to repeat the thought in my head, may all beings be happy, may all beings be free of illwill,

Immediately the aspect of space becomes apparent, inherent in the 5th arupa jhana, the people within that space all around the object of those phrases. And the 6th, the inherent affectless appreciation of all that is sensed. I walk around now taking the 7th's aspect of nothingness, no being attaching to anything, no affect , no flow of of push and pull...just stillness an inherent affectless equanimity. My hands are typing by themselves....

We shall see where this takes me if it sticks.
WOOOOOOT!
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Nikolai's Practice Journal

Brian Eleven
hhmmmmm... Thinking AF?
Sounds like, from what tiny bit I know. Or at least a change for the better, so congrats on that!!
Let Go...
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Nikolai's Practice Journal

claudiu
In reply to this post by Nikolai
ah awesome sutta! there is a relation here between what is laid out and the 8 emancipations. the beautiful is one of the emancipations. i think the goodwill/beautiful combination might be the state of wonder and/or delight that the actualism method points to.. though i previously associated that with the 6th jhana or appreciation. interesting stuff, anyway. i wonder what the other 2 emancipations are pointing to, or what 8th jhana has as the analogous good will/appreciation/compassion quality:

1. Possessed of form, one sees forms. This is the first emancipation.
2. Not percipient of form internally, one sees forms externally. This is the second emancipation.
3. One is intent only on the beautiful. This is the third emancipation.
4. With the complete transcending of perceptions of [physical] form, with the disappearance of perceptions of resistance, and not heeding perceptions of diversity, [perceiving,] Infinite space, one enters and remains in the dimension of the infinitude of space. This is the fourth emancipation.
5. With the complete transcending of the dimension of the infinitude of space, [perceiving,] Infinite consciousness, one enters and remains in the dimension of the infinitude of consciousness. This is the fifth emancipation.
6. With the complete transcending of the dimension of the infinitude of consciousness, [perceiving,] There is nothing, one enters and remains in the dimension of nothingness. This is the sixth emancipation.
7. With the complete transcending of the dimension of nothingness, one enters and remains in the dimension of neither perception nor non-perception. This is the seventh emancipation.
8. With the complete transcending of the dimension of neither perception nor non-perception, one enters and remains in the cessation of perception and feeling. This is the eighth emancipation.
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Nikolai's Practice Journal

Nikolai
Administrator
This post was updated on .
Not gonna call it anything for the moment Rev,

We'll see how it pans out.

But hells bells, what a day! This morning I had an odd amount of vibratory activity in the chest and stomach, up then back down then back up, repeated a large number of times. But it feels like the cord has been severed for affect to arise. That is the sense, a sense of unhookedness. MCTB 4th path left the flow of affect sticky-free. Affect would arise and pass arise and pass, maybe there would be a momentary mental reaction, but if I was paying attention, I would then be on top of it and maintain equanimity and just watch the affect or sense of "me"-ness arise and pass, arise and pass. Sometimes it bit me on the bum, but much less than previous.

Now whatever happened has left no affect arise, yet there is some momentary bubbling in the chest or throat or stomach when i find myself in a familiar situation, and I would have acted a certain way affectively before. I've noticed the body might actually perform  a gesture or a movement just out of pure habit, but without any affect there.

Today, I tried to generate anger, but it's like the anger chip has been taken out. I don't know how to cultivate affect. There is just stillness as an answer, or a bubbly flow of vibrations at the chest or elsewhere, all perceived apperceptively...so strange in hindsight.

I went to visit and spend the day with my chilean host mum. My spanish flowed like there was no hinderance at all. I would often feel embarrassed momentarily about my pronunciation of spanish words and it would act as a momentary hinderance to the flow of communication. The words now just came out fluently and were seen apperceptively one after the other.

She told me some possible bad news and I saw a bubbly flow of vibrations spurt at the chest. There is a recognition afterwards that that may have triggered fear or worry. That flow of bubbly vibrations flowed for the most of the afternoon. Yet, nothing forming from it. No affect, no sense of "me"-ness.

I (sort of) took part in a very interesting podcast for the HP with Jud of Yale and Owen today. I will have to edit it a bit. There is some confusion as what has happened to "me". It's not there and I'm not sure how to continue doing things like before. Why the bubbly vibratory activity, reminiscent of the mini dark nights after MCTB 4th? Strange to see no affect form off of it.  Anyway, stay tuned for the podcast. It is good one. I had nothing to say as my mind was basically stillness. Nothing arose, and when asked to share an opinion, stillness was the answer, nothing but. Trippy in hindsight.

The most trippy thing in hindsight today was the recent salsa class I had with my wife and others. It's with a dance studio, and we are training for a dance show (my wife roped me in to it) we will put on in december. The bubbly vibratory sensations subsided suddenly leaving the mind open to apperceiving my dance moves which were all over the place as the teacher introduced one new move after another. Movement is so wonderful to appercieve.

I watched Nick's body dance in the dance studio mirror and there is no sense of "me". In hindsight it is trippy. I sit in bed, and look at my hands type by themselves, the body knowing perfectly how to type without "me".

Strange days. Let's see if it'll stick.

Todays most over-used words= hindsight and trippy. Hehe!


WOOOOOOT!
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Nikolai's Practice Journal

claudiu
In reply to this post by claudiu
"i think the goodwill/beautiful combination might be the state of wonder and/or delight that the actualism method points to.. though i previously associated that with the 6th jhana or appreciation."

taking it back, i think that appreciation _is_ 6th jhana, and this good will/non-affective compassion of the 5th jhana is what richard means when he talks about the intrinsic benevolence and benignity of the universe. i think he probably found all the jhanas, but via the qualities of the universe..
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Nikolai's Practice Journal

Nikolai
Administrator
Weirdness abounds. There are slight echos of "being" which aren't quite the sense of "being"  that was very clearly felt before. Familiar situations occur in daily life and there is a split second habitual response to them. Perhaps a momentary spurt of vibrations in a part of the body, and a split second undecipherable image in the mind's eye, and gone, just gone. It is quite confusing as I try to catch the next time this type of "being" echo occurs and it doesn't occur. Just stillness as an answer everytime.

For the past few days it has been hard to make the mind focus on one thing. I was advised to hang out with the 7th jhana as object. But the mind/body organism was seen to be bombarded non-stop by objects hitting the sense doors, back and forth, hearing, seeing, smelling, touching, feeling (sensations), just a wonderous onslaught of sensuousness. The mind just was not inclined to take nothingness as object. That sort of free reign bombardment is still occuring, but it seems easier today to direct the focus to nothingness. The flows of strange vibratory phenomena at the chest, solar plexus and gut are still occuring, but seemingly less than the past few days, which was quite intense. Those flows seemed to become the dominant object in the field of experience. Now there is a mellow flow at the chest, and a stillness all around, thoughts arising, being perceived apperceptively as ownerless hands type this post.

I watched Captain America, and felt a strange echo of affect at the moments in the movie when I would have felt affect before. These echos of affect are truly strange to describe. I'm not sure how to. I cannot for the life of me generate new affect as when I try to, there is nothing there in the field of experience that arises just stillness as the answer.  But situations that are familiar and used to trigger affective responses still seem to trigger these split second echos of "being". Yet, when i look and look like I did constantly for the past 4 months, there is nothing that can be seen to be compounding as "being". It's just not there. So the split second echos of "being' seem to confuse. It seems like some process of cleaning up residual whatever is in order. But really, life is truly wondrous and continues as before. Just without any much in the way of an attention bounce. No sense of "me"-ness but the world perceived appercpetively inter-spliced with split second moments of shadow-like echos of a sense of "being" which does not look anything like before and hard to describe. Gnarly vibration flows at the chakra points from time to time and an ever-growing stillness seems to be taking over.

There is no 'new' affect being generated as that seems like an impossibility now. Not in a morality like way, but in a "my brain can't work out how to do that" way. Something has been removed. Yet there seems to be an echo of "Nick" who last no more than short undecipherable instant, if at all as it looks nothing like it did before. All very amusing, confusing and adventurous. Will it eventually stop? It's only been a number of days, yet there seems to be a movement towards more stillness. We'll see.

Another thing, this morning my wife got up to go to work and screamed out in pain as she accidentally closed the bathroom window on her hand. There was the split second recognition of her suffering. Before any further thought occurred, my body had flung itself out of bed and rushed to her aid all within seconds. In hindsight, it was trippy how fast and automatic it all was.

I've been advised to do some NS for a time, and dwell in the 7th to clear stuff out. That will be my practice from now on.

Ownerless hands type by themselves still.  
WOOOOOOT!
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Nikolai's Practice Journal

Nikolai
Administrator
Not much to report today. Same as yesterday. I had some vibrations mainly in the chest and solar plexus. I tried hanging out constantly in the 7th jhana, with the actual aspect of nothingness or 'no mind' as primary focus. Equanimity is inherent in this and seems to help some of the vibey chakra stuff to move along. There was a normality today to all the changes. Yet, I cannot still sense any sense of "being" or "me"-ness nor generate any new affect of any kind. There is the strange short lived split second arising of vibey spurts now and then at the chest or solar plexus, and some strange wispy images that I can't decipher still arising from time to time, but that is about it for the moment. They are recognized as seemingly residual affect (bit not quite affect) that occured out of strong habit from before the last shift depending on familiar conditions. There is a growing peace in the mind. I sense it getting more obvious as the days pass. It is so still and peaceful.

I like now to lie in bed and move up each jhana to the 8th and then just will the mind into whatever the 9th maybe. It will always end up in a magnificent still state where thought ceases to arise, and the senses unfocus. I do not lose consciousness at all, but there is an unfocusedness to it that leaves the mind unwilling to pay attention to any specific sense. It's main theme is stillness, a really brilliant stillness to it. I think yesterday I ended up in it by chace and came to 45 minutes later and the vibey stuff that has plagued the body for the past 5 days had disappeared temporarily. I think I'll try and do more of this practice too.

My hands type by themselves without any sense of "me" typing. And today it really has a normalcy to it.
WOOOOOOT!
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Nikolai's Practice Journal

Nikolai
Administrator
Today there was some vibrations flowing at the chest, a sort of steady pressure there, yet I couldn't recognize what sort of affect it would have been a support for previous to the last shift. It was just more phenomena in the field of sensuousness.

It was a nice day. Went for a walk with my wife and got a yogurt icecream. It was so cold and striking. The flavours of pineapple and melon combining perfectly to create a natural sweetness, ownerless taste buds soaking up the flavours. I notice the snow white andes in the background as we walk home. So still they stand. So much stillness everywhere.

I noticed a massive change. I don't have any anger at all come up ever, no agitation, no restlessness, no not being satisfied...ever.... at least not since last monday. My wife seems to be benefitting as my lack of agitation (which was a common occurrence before) rubs off on her as she has been smiling more than usual and being overly affectionate with me. Win win!!!!

Right now, I have no vibrations at any of the chakra spots. The body feels clean and clear. There is no little spurts of vibration nor splt second undecipherable images nor any weird "shadow being". Just wonderful stillness, and wondrous apperceptive awareness. The universe is truly benign and like a continuous trip to wonderland,  and such a pleasure to behold without the veil of "me"-ness.

Will it stick? That thought is perceived apperceptively and there is no worry, no frustration, no wanting, no not wanting, no push nor pull.

Happy days!

The ownerless hands feel dry from the soap I used, a rough texture to them that feels like leather. Fingers rub themselves. And the keyboard feels a little oily, the electric blanket on my wife's side of the bed just touching my left arm, the heat moves through my pillow to my right and radiates into my shoulder. The heat spreads across my upper back, as my left side is exposed to the crisp cold winter air moving through the window to my right. Heat and cold meet in the middle as a growing warmth in my torso. How could this moment get better!!
WOOOOOOT!
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Nikolai's Practice Journal

claudiu
In reply to this post by Nikolai
"It will always end up in a magnificent still state where thought ceases to arise, and the senses unfocus. I do not lose consciousness at all, but there is an unfocusedness to it that leaves the mind unwilling to pay attention to any specific sense. It's main theme is stillness, a really brilliant stillness to it."

I think i've gotten here, and i think it is hard 8th jhana. (still had being in it, so wasn't as clean as yours). if i remain there i notice bits of the sensual field 'fixing' themselves, becoming cleaner... i think the next step is full-blown NS, in which there's no perception at all anymore - just consciousness.
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Nikolai's Practice Journal

Nikolai
Administrator
 "I think yesterday I ended up in it by chance and came to 45 minutes later and the vibey stuff that has plagued the body for the past 5 days had disappeared temporarily. I think I'll try and do more of this practice too."

Hi Claudiu,

Yeh, i think it occured after that stillness without any effort nor intention.
WOOOOOOT!
1234 ... 7